What I Really Meant To Say
by L Bunny
Summary: Kim and Kerry songfic. "What I Really Meant To Say" by Cyndi Thomson


"What I Really Meant To Say"  
Lyrics written by Cyndi Thomson, Chris Waters and Tommy Lee James  
Sung by Cyndi Thomson  
  
"I'm looking for Dr. Oneida," The oddly familiar voice spoke to Randi   
and I looked up from the work set before me. What? Oh my God. She's   
here. She's here!  
  
I cleared my throat. "Kim?!" Damn Weaver, squeak a little higher why   
don't ya?! My heart was racing faster then it ever had before.  
  
"Kerry, uh, Dr. Weaver. Hi." She gave me a small but beautiful smile.   
"How are you?"  
  
I nodded, why the hell was I nodding? "I'm fine. What are you doing   
here?" I asked, trying to find a point of focus. "I   
mean…weren't…aren't…don't you live…work in San Francisco now?" Smooth,   
Kerry, real smooth.  
  
"I'm having, or supposed to be having a meeting with Dr. Oneida…" It   
seemed as though she was going to say more but cut herself off. "Do you   
know where he is?"  
  
"Well, now that Carl's back again Dr. Oneida has left." I tried to   
explain. "But Carl's daughter came into the ER today…chest pain. He   
went home to take care of her."  
  
"Oh…" One could only imagine the string of colorful words going through   
her mind. "Well, I guess I better see if I can get back to the airport   
then." She smiled bitterly and turned on her heal.  
  
"Wait! Uh, Kim, would you like to grab a bite to eat before you go?" I   
asked hopefully.  
  
She turned around and smiled at me. "Maybe some other time, Kerry,   
maybe some other time. You take care, okay?" She waved and disappeared   
out the doors of the ER.  
  
Translation: When hell freezes over, have a nice life.  
  
*It took me by surprise  
When I saw you standin' there  
Close enough to touch  
Breathin' the same air  
You asked me how I'd been  
I guess that's when I smiled and said just fine  
Oh, but baby I was lyin'*  
  
And so I sat. In my office. All alone. The sight of the Kung Pao chicken   
on my desk was enough to make me burst into tears. Or vomit, either one.   
My Kimmy. My Kimmy was here. Keyword in that sentence, Weaver: was. She   
was here, and now she's gone. And she took my heart with her, for the   
second time.  
  
I closed my eyes tightly, holding back the tears that threatened to   
spill over. Every memory came floating back to me, the good times, the   
bad, and the horrible.  
Every single good memory beat the bad, even though in numbers the   
hurtful ones were bigger then the loving. Did she not see how much I   
loved her?  
  
*What I really meant to say  
Is I'm dyin' here inside  
And I miss you more each day  
There's not a night I haven't cried  
And baby, here's the truth  
I'm still in love with you  
(And, that's what I really meant to say)*  
  
'Go back to your life, Kerry.' That simple phrase had still haunted me   
every single day of my life. Night after night, the same dream. 'GO BACK   
TO YOUR LIFE KERRY!' Then I'd wake up, twisted in the sheets, sweating   
and screaming her name.  
  
'Maybe some other time." Was that any different? No. Different words,   
but it all meant the same. You screwed up, Weaver. You lose. You fucking   
lose and you'll be alone for the rest of your life because you let your   
soul mate go.  
  
All at once, the tears flowed and I was sobbing to no end.  
  
*And as you walked away  
The echo of my words  
Cut just like a knife  
Cut so deep it hurt  
I held back the tears  
Held on to my pride and watched you go  
I wonder if you'll ever know*  
  
"Dr. Weaver, where are you going?" Randi called as I ran toward the   
door. "Your shift isn't over yet!"  
  
"I know! I'll be back…whenever. Carter is covering for me!" I pushed the   
doors open and sloshed through the snow as quickly as I could to my car.  
  
Twenty odd minutes later I was at O'Hare, barreling through bunches of   
people. Checking the screen, I ran to the gate, scanning over the   
unfamiliar faces that sat in the chairs.   
  
Then I saw a head of blonde curls, hunched over a magazine.  
  
*What I really meant to say  
Is I'm dyin' here inside  
And I miss you more each day  
There's not a night I haven't cried  
And baby, here's the truth  
I'm still in love with you  
(And, that's what I really meant to say)  
  
What I really meant to say  
Is I'm really not that strong  
No matter how I try  
I'm still holdin' on  
And here's the honest truth  
I'm still in love with you  
And, that's what I really meant to say*  
  
  
"Kikba" I yelled the nickname that I had adopted for her after hearing   
her niece calling her it one day.  
  
She spun around, a completely perplexed look on her face. She got up   
slowly, dropped the magazine to the ground and walked over to me.  
  
"Kerry…what are you doing here?"  
  
I put my finger up to her lips and silenced her. "You don't get to   
talk." I said. "Three words: I love you."   
  
*That's what I really meant to say  
That's what I really meant to say* 


End file.
